Roll up! Roll up for the Great British cash give away!!

Now then sir, now then madam, would you look utterly billions of quids of British coin of the realm? Only, the British taxpayer just loves giving it away!!

Yes, the British citizen works more hours than most other people in 'Europe' and we get less holidays than anyone else in 'Europe' and we're the most spied upon and controlled population in all of 'Europe'...

...but us British folk don't mind any of that!

Run a bank and gone a bit tits up after gambling and paying yourself millions upon millions in bonuses that most of us could only ever dream of?

Not to worry. Here's several billions of British taxpayer's money of the realm! Just use it as you will. Bonuses, huge salaries. Have fun at our expense and don't even worry about sending us a postcard while we slave away on £6 an hour!

And if that wasn't all bad enough, the latest figures reveal that we are giving more money than ever to the European Union! What joy!

UKIP are reporting the figures from the Office of National Statistics. They show that last year, we gave the European Union £16.3 billion. Yes billion. Spelt with a 'b' as in 'British'. £16.3 billion.

But don't worry! They gave back £9.8 billion in grants! Don't worry if you haven't seen a single thing anywhere that you believe came as a result of the European Union. The figures say we got that much back in grants, so we must have. Who needs to see the evidence of it, anyway? Just rejoice!

There is the slightly uncomfortable issue of the net contribution of £6.5 billion which we still paid for membership of the EU club that we don't even want to be in.

Does any British person known how many noughts there are in a British billion anyway? And is it the same as an American billion?

So how much is £6.5 billion for every man, woman and child? And is that amount bigger or smaller than the amount we just gave to the banks for absolutely nothing? And how many hours will we have to work at £6 an hour in order to pay off our share of it?

Oh, don't worry! EastEnders is on the telly later, so we won't bother voting for anyone who might do things any different. Voting Labour again, dear? Of course, Jack! My Dad did, his Dad did, as did his Dad before him, and his Dad before that. It's what we do. That funny gadget above the TV? Oh, it's just the Government keeping an eye on me. I'm off to the supermarket to have a microchip tracking implant in my arm next week. How cool is that?

Strewth.