Fancy stroking my pussy, you stupid boy? Are you free Mr. Humphries (you plonker!), only... I'm free!
Because I don't believe it! Somebody has stolen the Great British Sitcom!
Yes, sweetie darling, we're living through the most miserable period of the modern age (voting Labour again, dear?), and somebody decided that we all have to be so homogenised that we're not allowed to laugh at anything anymore. The silly moo.
Yes, the politically correct thought police have taken over the BBC, and now teams of bureaucrats dictate to comedy writers what we are allowed to laugh at, and what might hurt somebody's feelings. Oooh, Betty! That's bloody marvellous, innit?
I mean, whatever you do, don't mention the war! I did once, but I think I got away with it.
But we, as a nation, need some decent comedy. All of the classics of our illustrious national past are sitcoms. So all of these silly politically correct rules that have driven comedy writers away from the brilliant Great British sitcom genre should be done away with.
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-fetch a cloth, Granville, and start again.
No-one was ever bothered - 'offended' - by a scruffy little man chasing and grabbing ladies who wore wrinkled stockings. And nor would they be so now. For such a scruffy little man would invariably be whacked over the head by a dominant female café owner brandishing a shiny silver tea tray.
We pay for the BBC. It is our BBC. And the BBC is home to the Great British sitcom.
So, for buggery bollocks sake, won't someone at the BBC give us something to smile about for our money? Our money!
I mean, why oh why do we pay taxes? Telly taxes at that..? If you can't even give us something to laugh about in times of national strife and misery...
So we hereby call upon the BBC to commission some great comedy writers to restore to the nation it's much loved situation comedy.
Even the BFI named a sitcom as the best TV programme of the twentieth century, and nobody had to threaten to put basil in the ratatouille to make that happen. We Brits love the sitcom!
And don't try claiming we've got no great sitcom writers in Britain anymore. We're sure that ITV will lend you some when they're having breaks from writing great storylines for Coronation Street.
We know there are great writers, but a great sitcom writer is for life, not just for Christmas specials! How is Baby David, by the way? And is Geraldine Granger a female Bishop yet?
We'd quite like back the Great British sitcom - as brash and offensive (not that it ever was offensive) as the writers would like it to be.
(With respect to the great writers whose character catchphrases and lines we have used in tribute and homeage in this blog post - and with due respect to all involved with the sole surviving decent sitcom, My Family).
Come on BBC - you know what we like - look on your own website and learn to help the nation smile again.
After all, see those dwindling ratings..? It's as much a judgment on the utter drivel we're offered in place of entertainment as anything.
And you do need to continue making something for BBC Worldwide to flog domestically - and to the Americans... at least make it something we'll enjoy!
Ignore the bureau of the politically correct dictators. After all, they just don't like it up 'em, Mr. Mainwaring. They don't like it up 'em!
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