Save Our Deidre - Oppose Fag Fascists!

We hereby announce the launch of the 'Save Our Deidre - Oppose Fag Fascists' campaign.

The national movement to protect Deidre Barlow, national treasure, comes after killjoys who want to stick their fingers into controlling and judging everybody else's life but their own have been seen circulating in the district of Weatherfield - determined to ban the much loved 'Weatherfield One' from enjoying the last pleasure available to her.

Well come on, she is married to Ken.

The 'Save Our Deidre - Oppose Fag Fascists' campaign, or 'S.O.D.O.F.F.' as it is also known, aims to defend the right of Deidre to exist after busybodies were heard stating that they intend to ban Deidre Barlow.

One such person who would make Deidre Barlow illegal is Professor Steve Field, the chairman of the Royal College of General Practitioners.

He is quoted whinging in The Guardian: "Only recently, Deirdre Barlow in Coronation Street was seen smoking and lecturing another character, who was drunk. Seeing smoking in a dramatic context can make it seem glamorous to young, impressionable people."

Indeed, Government research in 1980 blamed Deidre Barlow's "re-entry shield specs" for a record number of marriage failures after many men - turned on by Deidre's character's spectacle choice - were caught acting suspiciously outside branches of Specsavers leading to many marriages breaking down irretrievably.

Other fetishes and ills that afflict people exposed to the lifestyles of Deidre Barlow's neighbours include: hotpot addiction (tah, Betty!), talking to strange pigeons, nightmares about Gail Platt's husband choices, and spending all day and night in places named 'Roy's Rolls' or 'The Rovers Return' rather than going home or going to work. The link between newspaper editors resigning to pursue a career in supermarket trolley stacking were not scientifically substantiated.

However, the most dangerous habit exhibited by people known as 'Corrie fans' is that of communicating with each other through words, language and simple pleasures.

Now the thought-police, killjoys and busybodies have Corrie and Corrie fans in their sights, all forms of human communication are at risk of being proscribed by Government.

The cowardly attack on Deidre in particular comes just weeks after she lost the protection always afforded to her by mother Blanche Hunt - a woman no authoritarian killjoy would have dared to cross.

However, those thinking all is lost should not fear - we're hatching a plan to release Deidre's daughter Tracey Barlow from the old clinky... she'll protect Deidre Barlow, national treasure, from the grip of the totalitarians!

Failing that, we'll send round the latest reincarnation of Nick Tilsley to bore these boremeisters and fun-loathers into submission. (Obviously, the rather lovely previous incarnation of Nick Tilsley - number two of the three but not an indicator of being a Timelord - is still busy hanging around bedroom walls, held captive by copious amounts of Blu Tac and drawing pins after thousands of fantasising and well-teased gay men decided the Conservative Party couldn't have him. The bitches!).