That's it. Enough now.
While flirting with tea parties has been in vogue, we should make the month of May a month of protest - a glorious revolution in defence of British daftness, upholding the right to engage in English eccentricities without being enforced into asking permission of anybody.
The annual cheese rolling contest had been due to take place on May 31st.
Wherever you are in the country on that date, take up thy cheese and engage in rebellion!
Get groups of friends together, find a steep hill, and just chase a cheese down it with gay abandon. Don't bother asking for permission of anybody!
And don't feel the need to limit yourself to a Double Gloucester!
We have it on good authority that Wensleydale, Red Leicester, Cheddar, Stilton and Brie are all suitable for the chasing of.
Hell, you can even go chasing a bit of Caerphilly if you like!
Whichever British cheese you want to chase after, just get your friends together on May 31st, find that hill and start chasing!
The month should start, of course, with a good old bit of Maypole dancing. This naturally is hazardous as if you leave a pole up anywhere these days, some barstard will wish to try and mount a CCTV camera, no smoking sign, or warnings of fines for feeding pigeons upon it.
Be that as it may, take up your ribbons and dance around the ruddy thing as if the very lifeblood of Britain depended upon it.
From Lands End to John O'Groats, take up thy bells and engage in unlawful congregations of spontaneous Morris dancing!
For the really rebellious amongst you, there's the Flamborough sword! See clip below.
Children of the British Isles - this is a call to arms! No more rolling over and asking for permission as our national identities are repressed by jobsworths, overbearing officials and risk assessors.
We're British. We have our wonderful English, Scottish and Welsh traditions. Let them not demand we seek permission to engage in them.
Grab a pint glass, fill it with mead or a fine cask ale... have a cigarette with it if you want to, munch a hearty pork pie or crunch a bag of Black Country pork scratchings; take to thy ankle bells or kilt, celebrate the music of the Wurzels and just do it!
Show solidarity with our brothers of Brockworth and make May the month of the Glorious Double Gloucester and the Wonderful Wensleydale Revolution!
As for you lot, you health and safety, busybody-ing misery-guts who took everything great and British and demanded it be regulated... be off with you!
I hereby sentence you to a trip to Crinkley Bottom to be gunged by Noel Edmonds and sat upon by Mr. Blobby before being expelled from these isles.
And don't even think of taking a Cornish pastie with you for eating on the journey.
Just get ye off our green and pleasant land, over the white cliffs of Dover and onto the continent. Go and busybody the people of Brussels. They like all that regulation and busybodying over there.
Leave us British and our eccentricities alone!
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