Sunday Paper Review: 26th September 2010

Just before we start on this week's paper review, we wondered whether the deity Gaia - worshipped by the Greenies - might send some global warming our way? The central heating - which the great 'climate' scam means we can no longer afford - is set to a thermostat here in the Clock Tower and, for the first time of 2010, it dropped to such a temperature that the heating came on yesterday.

So, can we have some global warming please? We pay enough for it - about time we had some.

That said, onto the newspapers. No prizes at all for guessing that the proclamation of Mr. Ed as the leader of the Labour Marxist Party figures quite highly... we'll try to ignore him which we tend to find is for the best with these socialista types.

That does mean that our selection of 'the rest' is really scraping the barrel, this week...

The Mail on Sunday picks up where it left off a week ago - exposing British retailers who sell ritually slaughtered halal meat without disclosing the fact to their customers. Amongst those fingered in the report are: "Waitrose, Marks & Spencer, Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Somerfield and the Co-op." ASDA has - according to the report - refused to confirm or deny. Meanwhile, a whole host of fast food chains are also fingered, including: "Domino’s Pizza, Pizza Hut, KFC, ­Nando’s and Subway."

The supermarkets are beyond a joke. You have to prove that you're over 65 years of age and take both parents in order to buy a yogurt from them these days and now they're selling us Muslim meat that is too scared to come out of the closet and declare itself to be so.

Hilariously, both McDonalds and Burger King are offering non-halal menus. So, if you want to know how the animal you are eating died, better make it a Big Mac or a Whopper and eat it with fries and a side serving of Cola flavoured aspartame.

The Sunday Express reports that the "City of London Corporation wants to put 120ft-long banners carrying logos of multinational companies on the moving sections of the city’s Tower Bridge." Yes, in plain speak, everyone, that's adverts. For - we are informed - "companies such as Coca-Cola and McDonalds". If they do that, I'll join you in the queue to tear such an abomination down from one of Britain most globally known and most loved landmarks.

Where do they find the idiots who come up with these ideas? No sense of propriety or British culture and heritage, that's for sure. Give me strength...

The Sunday Telegraph has a story concerning the predicament facing Liverpool Football Club. Now, if this isn't an example of a perfectly brilliant British institution going to the wall once foreign owners get their hands on it, I don't know what is. The report informs us that "RBS holds the majority of the £282 million debt laden on to Liverpool by the club‘s current owners" - the Americans Tom Hicks and George Gillett.

What's that? RBS? That rings a bell. Oh, that's right! As the report also tells us, that is: "The bank, which is 84 per cent government owned". So, we - the taxpayer - actually, in a roundabout way - own a football club. We are also informed that RBS "is due to call the loans in on October 15". And then what? Will Jeremy Hunt MP have to name the squad, run up and down the touchline shouting out tactics and dishing out the half-time oranges?

And while we're at it, aren't we - the taxpayer - already paying for this? Yup, checked... seems we still do.

Any other Premier League football clubs want a few quid from we, the taxpayer? Send your request for as many millions as you want to The Treasury, Westminster - no begging bowl too big refused. We, the taxpayer, will live on gruel and fluoridated water - don't worry about us.

We had to search around the Independent on Sunday quite deeply to find something to read other than stories concerning Mr. Ed, new leader of the Labour Marxist Party. We instead found this - a profile of Dilma Rousseff, a woman set to become the new President of Brazil and who the newspaper describes as a "former guerrilla set to be the world's most powerful woman."

One wonders whether Hillary Clinton will be happy with that description of Rousseff.

"Hell, Bill! We're gonna have to run that broad right outta town!"

Same with The Observer - it's all about Mr. Ed, the new leader of the Labour Marxist Party.

They do, however, offer readers the opportunity to 'interview' David Attenborough. We're wondering if we'd get away with asking a question about the great carbon swindle and a global programme of eugenics and human culling...

And, after all that, you probably need cheering up. And what could ever be more joyous than a Minogue sister..? The News of the World gives us plenty of insight from Dannii... while failing to mention Kylie's stunning new single - 'Get Outta My Way' - in all good record stores tomorrow (it says here).

Enjoy your Sunday!